episode 4.332-Holy WOW

if this gets out, dudes like arnold schwarzenegger and chuck lidell are screwed.  i'm quite impressed with the kid who decided he'd let this guy use him as a dummy...once you start messing around with the jugular and the spinal cord, shit gets crazy.

episode 4.3007-Shedding My Powers

Saw Quantum Identity of Bourne Solace...er, I mean Quantum of Solace, the James Bourne...DAMMIT...James BOND movie tonight.  Can I be more blunt?

Lemme bring you up to speed, Monster Balls sucked.

finding neverland? please...

stay? good god.

what do all these movies have in common?  Well, sucking, and Marc Forster the director.  In hollywood, this concoction equals=GIVE HIM THE FRANCHISE LOVED BY MANY SO HE CAN GET IT WRONG AND RUIN A GOOD TWO YEARS OF WAITING.

James Bond is not Jason Bourne.  Both are awesome secret agents, but both are entirely DIFFERENT awesome secret agents.  You'd think the cast and crew would have realized Marc Forster didn't know what damn movie he was making when he kept referring to Daniel Craig as Matt Damon.  This guy couldn't have gotten James Bond more wrong.  

FIRST OF ALL:

Picking up a camera and shaking it violently during any sort of action sequence does not necessarily represent intensity...idiot.

SECOND: 

James Bond can kick ass, but it's not ALL HE DOES.  I don't give a shit if you're trying to shed a new light on the character of Bond with a whole revenge story.  I think, even in revenge Bond can find time to sit back and relax with a martini or witty one liner.  Daniel Craig's amazing potential for James Bond is wasted on this hour and a half chase scene...which brings me to my next point, otherwise known as

THIRDLY:

For pete's sake stop running!  Get this! Open with a car chase, follow that up with a rooftop chase, directly after that a motorcycle chase...I would keep going on in this fashion but I can't seem to seperate out the rest of the chasing into smaller chasings because it's all one big CHASING in my disappointed brain.

Stunt Guy:  "Alright mr. director, i've choreographed the fight scene to be awesome."

Marc Forster: "Are they running?"

Stunt Guy: "Not this time, I figured..."

Marc Forster: "Look here you twit, I made monster ball's, and got halle berry TOTALLY naked..."

Stunt Guy: "I don't understand how that applys..."

Marc Forster: "Ssssh..."

Yep.  Thats a documented conversation between Marc Forster and his Choreographer.  Apparently after that, Forster designed a contraption that shakes the camera like crazy whenever someone is running...looks kinda like this:

****patented by Marc Forster****

Even if the Choreographer COULD get a word in edgewise, he would soon learn that Marc Forster actually planned on using Computer Animation to do all the best fight scenes in the movie, that Jackie Chan could have done in his sleep.  I would not be suprised if talented stunt men watched this movie, and shot themselves afterwards because they're apparently losing their jobs to pixels.

Don't think I'm being critical.  I just find it necessary to call out filmmakers when they butcher highly potential franchises with what they think is "in" or what they think "audiences will like." A lot of the time, they're wrong, and they go too far to think they can insert their way of thinking into things that I love.  Incredible Hulk? CGI bullhonky.  Quantum of Solace? CGI bullhonky with a "handicam" approach...leave it to Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project to exhaust this stupid camera technique....

I could just be grumpy because this was literally my first movie going experience where I didn't have a giant cup of soda firmly secured in my left hand side cup holder. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am off soda.  Two weeks strong....I feel tired.  It's like I've given up my super powers to become one of the masses...I go to bed early and wake up to eat breakfast, otherwise I don't make it through the day. 

It came to me in a bunch of signs.  Everywhere I was being bombarded with anti-soda messages.  It might have been brainwashing.  Dear lord, has anyone else quit drinking soda lately???  Seriously, I was going to the fridge to get a coke and I paused for just the slightest second and thought: "It's been two days since I've had any soda."  So, I put the can back and walked away forever...and if that's not bad enough, I even have my own loofa.........oh dear god.  

Topic change.

How 'bout that Halle Berry sex scene in Monster Ball's??

episode 4.309-Where was I?

Ok, so that is two random comments on literary splooges from way back in the day.  For those of you that missed it:

I think they're trying to tell me something, I just...can't...quite...make it....out.

and then another today encouraging me to keep on keepin on !  Gotta love the internet.

MOVING ON.

"Hey Steve Pappin, what in the heck are you up to these days?"

Good question...

ANSWER:

...just bein awesome.

Thats me operating a Chapman Crane.  The gloves are to prevent me from getting lead poisoning, as the giant 27 pound weights we use to counterbalance are pure lead.

Fun Fact:  Chapman Cranes are no longer in production, but are still in heavy use.  They have been constructed since the beginning of the film industry, and now there are enough Chapman Cranes on the planet to satisfy all requests.  The Chapman Crane I am operating in this picture is actually the same Chapman Crane that was used to shoot the Mickey Mouse Club back in the day.  Full Sail now has this crane on PERMANENT RENTAL, as there is no one who actually privately owns a Chapman Crane, only Chapman...funny, eh?

Its the little quirks of film industry like that that make it so absolutely fascinating to me.  Without leaving the country I'm learning an entirely different language that very little people are capable of speaking, and developing a vocabulary that would stunt even Ken Jennings...well maybe not Ken, but I LOVE IT.

But seriously...right now I'm in Digital Cinematography, where I'm in the middle of pre-production as the Director of a 8 minute short film I wrote called INT. SOUNDSTAGE.  We start shooting the second week of December and should be all finished up with production by christmas, then moving into Post Production come January.  Busy busy.

CURRENTLY, I am sitting in my living room with the balcony door thrown wide open, relaxing in my Wormtooth Nation T-shirt as the cool breeze seeps in...on November 11th....the current temperature is 70 degrees...i don't really know where i was going with that, but i'm pretty sure anyone more than 200 miles North of me is probably crying as they read this...

blah blah blah.

any questions??

episode 4.283-Hurricane Day

It was just announced that school tomorrow will be cancelled due to the impending doom of Hurricane Fay.  Hi, my name is Steve, and this will be my first Hurricane.

Hi Steve.

Bring it on, mother nature.  Its actually convenient because it means that i won't have to take the test in my 8 hour lighting lecture tomorrow..not that its going to be a big deal, its only about 5 wire banded power.  Bullswitches, lunchboxes, ring of fires, and lots of whips.  thats right.  and all those are legitimate class terms.  my lab instructor says the first test is really hard..but then again, my lab instructor is this guy:

sooooo, how hard can it be?  (yes, that is a genuine Full Sail product......can be found on Amazon and Netflix.)

SPEAKING OF GENUINE FULL SAIL PRODUCTS.  I've just finished what was and probably will be the longest weekend of my Full Sail career.   I participated in a 48 hour film shoot where I somehow became the lead actor in a poorly written drama about a dude who runs away from home and ends up in a bar to get a sappy moral story from an alabaman bar owner....hours of sleepless nights ensue.

I came to set saturday morning at 3 am to learn that i had gone from supporting actor to lead actor, and that required a costume change and makeup appliance.  and hour and a half after the 15 minute announcement, we were shooting our first scene, which consisted of me entering the bar sopping wet and taking in the environment.  the fun thing was that everything was pretty legitimate.  Which is what you can always expect at Full Sail.  No matter how silly they look, everyone will attempt to be completely professional in their film making process.  I've learned that it will be necessary to sift through the bullshitters at Full Sail to find the people who sound professional AND actually are.  The main problem with this set is that everyone sounded professional, but no one really knew what they were doing.  they were ignorant to any sort of advice and just bulldozed through the shoot.  except their bulldozer was out of gas...so it took 6 times as long to do anything.  Because as we all know, bulldozers move 6 times as slow when they have no gas...moving on.

our director had assumed the roll of alabaman bar tender, which means he was too concerned with memorizing his lines to be doing any sort of directing.  Which i understand completely, except i'm certainly not a good enough actor to receive no direction and expect a positive outcome.   That is why i won't be going to the premiere...

Like i said, the set was completely professional.  In my other classes you could hear other full sail students talking about our group and how upset they were that not only did we get a lab instructor to direct/act, but we also got "candyland" (nickname for the soundstage) all the lighting equipment, 600 amps of house power, and genuine sets, such as a bar.  I even got misted professionally.  (which just means instead of a spray bottle, they used a 100 dollar hollywood spray bottle....)

On sunday I had to be back on set at 6am, because thats what they told me.  Silly me, I believed them.  So i arrived on set at 6am to find no one around.  I went home and slept until 8, whereupon they called me and said their director never showed up, and they would be starting in a half and hour. i tried not to laugh in their faces.  we shot on location in downtown orlando until noon, and then i was fed a chewy corndog.  which was a very nice gesture, its just the gas station microwaves their food BEFORE putting it on the griller...not a big surprise.   I was finished, and they went off to edit and color correct and do whatever other technical dreams they came up with.  In the end, i don't think they got to do any of that, because they really underestimated the amount of time it would take to render High Definition footage.  Which really urks me, because I warned them constantly that they would need a shit ton of time to render, but they never listened.  I guess they paid the price, because they handed in the film 20 minutes late and got disqualified for grand prize.

HA! How do you like THAT for anticlimactic!?!  muhahahaha.  I bet you didn't see that coming!  Lesson learned: bullshitting is your number one enemy at full sail.  for those of you STILL keeping track:

1. Bullshitters
2. Full Sail Required Electronics
3. Lightning
4. Terminator Mom
5. Baby Bursters (considered null, but still a threat)
6. Studio Execs
7. Master of Muppets Conspiracy Theories
8. Hessitic Jews under the command of Jim Henson

whew. oh, and as of 6 minutes ago...kelsey. 

episode 4.229-It's Official

so, my career as a filmmaker has officially started today:

falconfreddie says:

what kind of asswipe would make light of the men that gave their lives at normandy obviously not a son or daughter of a man who fught there

....does that make me "edgy"?  it totally does.  just wait until he sees Training For Glory.  I can see it now:

falconfreddie says:

what kind of jerkwad would think it's funny to play in the road with semis or throw bricks in a pool obviously not a member of my country club

hmm.  i don't consider my Egg Worldly War making "light" of the battles of Normandy.  It is certainly more of a personal tribute, as I spent hours of my study halls and free time reading up on the largest amphibian invasion in the history of war. oh well.  baby boomers...sheesh.  :)

saw my third wild gator today with kelsey.  he was eerily still in a big mess of moss, just chilling with some turtles.  pretty sweet.  leaving him was pretty hard, as I didn't want to turn my back to him for too long.  i saw lake placid....mofo ate a bear.

which reminds me!  i've decided the next meat i plan on eating is that of a bear!  BEAR MEAT!  There will be nothing more satisfying than eating something that would rather be eating you.  i've checked a number of websites, and while some will send you the meat, most just give you pointers on hunting it yourselves....apparently bears up in canada are in high numbers, so it's totally legit to eat them.  who's with me? bear meat for christmas? lets do this.

episode 4.270: Holy Toledo! Batman?

whoa. it's certainly been a while since i last posted on here, and I actually feel pretty bad about it. Things have gotten relatively busy around here in terms of school and social life. Thats a good thing though. I'm pretty sure.

In a nutshell: things are going great. my class has finally reached the point of complete immersion in that everyone knows everyone and awkwardness in social situations has been completely phased out. there is childish tension here and there, but I feel its only a stage that will pass as soon as we grow to accept everyone as who they are. isn't that beautiful? it brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. no, really.

i will admit it is a little difficult entertaining a majority of my classmates when there is simply no alcohol present in my home. they also seem a little less tolerant to my sobriety than i would like, but oh well. I manage it. Mom, you would be so proud of your boy. (and don't deny it, i heard about your intense doubts of my resistance to peer pressure, psha. I expect you to defend yourself in the comments, otherwise this sudden injection of guilt won't be as satisfying.)

Kelsey and I are on Netflix. that means i finally watched the Shining, one of kelseys favorite movies. Gooooood ol' Kubrick. gotta love him. kelsey and i had a good debate about as she was giving me a ride to school, which continued for a good minute or two in the parking lot, and i'm pretty sure all the nearby students thought we were fighting. i was just astonished was satisfied with the relative lack of character development and transformation in a story based around the mental deterioration of an idiot man played by an overhyped actor....imho.

IMHO means In My Honest Opinion. I learned that from iChat, a staple in my life these days. it links every student in my class together via their laptops, so that incredibly boring CSI lecture is moderately bearable:



DON'T WORRY. Hardly anything in the lecture actually makes it onto the quizzes. The only way i make it through that lecture is with Pepsi and Bread Rolls...like a medieval peasant...except without bad teeth....BECAUSE I FLOSS NOW.

Thats right. Steve Pappin flosses. His gums have gone from a dark red to a soft pink an have ceased squirting blood onto the bathroom mirror. While not as grotesquely cool, I think that's an improvement. Now i just need to work on that whole daily showering thing.........

other than all that...a lot of my time is spent at pools. School, then pools. I intend on heading back to the spring sometime soon, seeing how I'm pretty sure its the only water in florida that won't be a lukewarm 70 degrees....a refreshing pool is a hard find these days...the best time to go swimming in florida? In the rain. true story.

and now, for the grand finale: The Dark Knight. Holy Wow Crazy Awesome Sweetness to the MAX! Otherwise known as: Bitchin. Finally a movie that breaks the rules of a summer blockbuster with an amazing script and complete lack of a retarded audience. honestly. the most respectful audience i have ever been apart of was most certainly batman's. As soon as the previews finished, the theatre became the most deadly silent I had ever experienced. No one dared make a sound, because everyone knew who ever did would most definitely get a brutal knuckle sandwich.

What followed from there on out was pure unadulterated awesome, from heath ledger in a nurses outfit to aaron eckhart without half his face. Don't read any further if you haven't seen it yet, because I'm about the mention the part where maggie gylenhall gets blown to smitherines........maggie gylenhall gets blown to smitherines, and it was a breath of fresh air. Halfway through the movie and the main heroine is completely eliminated. do you know what that says? this is a movie about men being men, and it's for men. sure, you may say: hey! the lack of bodacious babes in any movie actually makes it a man's movie, and you're gay for saying that no chicks in a movie is awesome. to those of you i say: Go watch The Incredible Hulk and stop wasting my life. No, seriously, no one who reads this literary splooge would think that, so you're in the clear. where was i? oh yeah...i don't like maggie gylenhall...at all. Something about staring at a woman who's face is falling off doesn't appeal to me. I nearly cheered when she died. "Finally" I though "This movie can finally be totally awesome." and it was. from there on out, The Dark Knight became one of the most intense, edge of your seat thrill rides i've ever been blessed to witness. it was like the poison scene from casino royale for a whole 45 minutes. what more can you ask for? how about cameos? ok. You got'em. Something about The Dark Knight consisting of a plethora of awesome actors just shows you how sweet this movie was. They took a small paycheck just to be APART of this revolutionary blockbuster.

if you haven't seen this movie yet, feel ashamed. then go and see it as soon as possible.

FIN.

episode 4.Dad. Good Luck

here you go dad. I'll play you when I get home. You be banjo.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

episode 4.123: Self Loathing

I'm pretty upset, and perhaps if I get it out of my system I'll be able to move on with my night and do better things with my life.

Kelsey and I just got back from The Incredible Hulk.  I'm pretty sure if there were any trace of Gamma radiation poisoning in my blood, being in that theatre watching that movie would have easily activated my inner beast, transforming me into a giant green mutant who wanted something chocolate to go with his sour patch kids and popcorn.

I knew something was off when it became quite clear that the sum IQ of all those around me came out to be a paltry 41 points, and thats not counting the children in front of me who hadn't seen their 5th birthday yet.  I've never been so disgusted with people who cheer at previews and kissing scenes.  You could almost smell the reproductive DNA when Liv Tyler showed a little more thigh than normal.  Pathetic.  

Judging from that audience I could tell that i was in (excuse me, mom) a fucking retarded movie.  I was right.  What followed the Marvel logo was a hollow, idiotic, boring, desperate, unimpressive, half-ass, fan reliant mess of a film, with a gargantuan anti-climactic ending.  That right there is an impossibility in itself...the fact that this film could be any where NEAR climactic is hilarious.  I only mean anti-climactic in relation to spending an exhausting two hours on top completely flaccid working towards something of perhaps an arousal but being foiled by something like a Jehovah's witness.  that kind of anti climactic.  (again, sorry mom)

2 hours of product placement and desperate references to please the stupidest of fans can really take a toll on someone who enjoyed the first Hulk as maybe not an accurate adaptation of the incredible green mass, but more of an actual cinematic experience.  I can fully understand that the first Hulk was a little out there.  Bruce's father, what the hell?  3 giant mutant dogs?  Actually, I'd prefer the mutant PoodleHulk to the cliched cop-out of a nemesis in this newer film.  Please.  However, Ang Lee's Hulk was, in my opinion, a visual masterpiece of editing that also captivated the imagination with a combination of visual effects and breathtaking Mother Nature.  The scene of the Hulk bounding across the Utah desert with an awesome reference to comic panels is implanted in my memory for a long time.  Way more so than the Transformer like tactics of this newer Hulk, bounding a mere 15 feet from roof top to roof top, digging his fists into brick walls and bashing his way to the top of buildings.  Then again, I shouldn't say Transformers either, because they were big, this Hulk only grows to be about 9 feet tall with trim features.  There is a very obvious limit to this Hulk, as seen especially in the final battle, whereas Ang Lees Hulk was fueled by rage, the angrier he got, the larger and more unstoppable he became.  That's something I think is more true to not only the Hulk, but real-life rage.

I'm ashamed that my 20 dollars will be included in the statistics that puts the incredible hulk high on the box office charts, for that groups me into a certain cess pool of humanity that I by all means wish to avoid in my career in the film industry.  god give me strength.

episode 4.184: I'm a Minority

so, i was watching some good Larry David, when a new episode starts with he and Richard Lewis chatting it up in a cell phone store.  Richard Lewis starts out by saying he's fallen madly in love with his "soul mate"  Larry gets excited and wants to know more.  

Richard Lewis- "There's only one downside, she's a CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST"

Larry David- "Oh dear"

I was floored.  To hear the words "christian scientist" come from the lips of Richard Lewis on a meglopopular tv show threw me for a loop.  They then went on to ask silly questions about the religion, like "I know she can't take [medicine] herself, but can she touch it? Can she give it to someone else?"

The rest of the show consists of moments where Larry David is subjected to Christian Science in prayer groups and such.  The girlfriend ends up getting poisoned by, who else? Larry.  He goes to the house to apologize and walks in on a bunch of people holding hands and praying the old fashioned way: on the knees with hands clasped staring to the heavens.  At this point, i'm thinking, "It's about damn time."

I finally get to be one of those people who are like: "but it's totally not like that, Larry David, you have it all wrong." Fortunately, I'm not the kind to send in a letter to the guy in hopes of defending my religion, seeing as how he probably gets everything else on the show wrong, but still!  Larry David trying to make fun of my religion! AWESOME!

I'm also proud to say I noticed how the actors playing Christian Scientist completely butchered the Lords prayer among other things.   Funny stuff.  It's almost like being black....

In other news, apparently every single kind of belt in the camry needs to be replaced as well as the transmission fluid...oh, and it's leaking something.  i'm not sure if they know what.  Otherwise, they said it's in great shape for how old it is.....

Question: Isn't someone supposed to be having a baby right now?

Episode 4.177: I'm Sorry Mr. Kubrick

"So what, you need an audience in order to continue creating? How can you call yourself an artist? Or do you? Maybe you're just another hollywood capitalist pupa, waiting to morph into a real spewer of consumer tripe. Create to create, not to be aggrandized. Are them fighten words? Maybe, pussy, you decide."

Whoa! The only reason I ended that post the way I did was because I wasn't creating. I was falling into the whole "day in the life of" web blogger cliche without any real reflection or stupid commentary. something I never wanted to do in the first place:

http://operationkilldie.blogspot.com/2004/12/episode-3-excuse-me.html

I left it because I knew mom at least would enjoy reading, but really..i was just repeating myself and all I wanted was to post one of the stories I'd been writing for class. I agree with you entirely. Create to create. Publish bullshit opinions online to interact. Which brings me to:

"Say what you will about Kubrick, he is an intelligent artist. He always has a message, is it a painfully boring pursuit to find out what it may be? sometimes, but it is generally relevant, poignant, and usually timeless."

I don't think I ever said anything to discredit Stanley Kubrick as an amazing artist. That would be silly of me. the post was about me watching the entire, slow moving, 2 and half hour 2001: A Space Odyssey before class only to realize that we would most likely watch it in class again...as we did. Therefore, I spent 6 hours out of 12 watching a the same Stanley Kubrick movie, twice. That's just funny. Honestly, Kubrick's ability to establish incredible mood and create immortal scenes floors me. For example the hallway tricycle scene in the shining and the destruction of HAL. I love it. As for:

"Note to humanity: if they ever release a Stanley Kubrick Director's Cut of something, run like the very whips of you masters are behind."

I mean come on! Think about it! However, if you're willing to watch something that would most likely be 16 hours long, I commend you.

Lastly: Thank you. Finally something I can work with on the website. I haven't even been back to the thing since i created, probably because there is nothing there to keep me or anyone coming back. Initially I was against posting any writing on that site, which is why you wont' find any links to this blog. but i do enjoy writing tremendously, so it makes sense that in order for the site to represent me, it would need something of that form. I have no idea what, though.



It's so true, it's scary. I came home from class on tuesday to find two wrapped presents on our coffee table. One of which was from kelsey, the other we had no idea who it was from. But kelsey wrapped it anyway. It could have been a box of vitamins, and kelsey would have wrapped it. so...we opened the unknown box first to find the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Beneath that was teh second season, then the third..the fourth, and finally at the bottom, the fifth season. Only one person could be responsible for such a gift, and that would Ms. DeAnna Kelso Pappin. Innocently, we put in the first disc of season one and popped some popcorn, getting comfortable in our living room...only to be immediately uncomfortable. By the end of the first episode, I was facing the wrong way on the couch with my face shoved into a pillow, and kelsey might have been crying...but we couldn't tell. Our Larry David virginity had been brutally taken from us, leaving us a terrible, helpless mess. That was the only episode we could watch that day. Now that I've built up a relative tolerance, I'm hooked. It's like those nightmares where you know something bad is going to happen, like when your friend from middle school's dad is about to impale a kitten with pitchfork (true story), and you CAN'T LOOK WAY. In order to survive, I pause the episodes A LOT. Once, I paused 4 times in order to make it through a 45 second scene.

The great thing is how realistic it really is. It's not Michael Scott, who is too stupid to realized what he's done...Larry David is constantly incredibly embarrassed with himself and can't get over something he's done...which usually results in it coming and biting him hard in the ass...been there, done that.

Thank you, Annie. I'm sure it's going to help me become a better person.

Next, I opened Kelsey's "main gift". She had already given me

• A pocket watch with my initials engraved on the cover. Which is great, because I've always wanted another pocket watch since my last one mysteriously stopped working.
• A wall clock with a biohazard symbol in the background. (apparently time is going to become very important in my life)
• A journal with my name engraved on the cover (as well as personalized items)

I unwrapped the unbelievably heavy box to find:

my masculinity multiplied by 21. One time for each james bond movie in this ULTIMATE COLLECTOR'S SET. Thats over 43 hours of non-stop awesome. Each one is digitally remastered frame by frame and includes DTS 5.1 surround sound. Once upon a time i was raving about the difference between RCA audio and Optical audio...now it's all sound vs. DTS sound. When it comes to High Definition, the difference between standard and hd visuals is nice..but it can't stand up to the difference between standard and HD sound. Each level of sound is an upgrade in clarity and detail that you would never know you were missing without correct equipment. with visual, you know you're missing something, its obvious, but with sound you don't know it until you hear it. A helicopter could land in front of you and explode, but you'd still hear the lady bug chewing on the blade of grass in the corner of the screen. Thats a lie. but it gives you a good idea.


The only negative side effect is that i can't stop whistling the james bond theme song, which is causing kelsey to literally hate me.

And thats not all! My dad's birthday present to me was the ENTIRE LIVING DEAD series! Thanks dad!




I'm sure my dad is infinitely proud that his birthday money for me was able to purchase the greatest zombie collection ever. Don't worry though, you also got me a great leather key wallet. Yay!

This is the second time i've written this entire post, since the first draft got lost. Now, it's time for dinner.

episode 4.176: Storytime

The Thigh

“Make the first incision just inside the thigh.” I moved the blade to where I thought he was referring. “Lower. There, right there is good. Now cut all the way down to the knee.” I did as he instructed, the flesh seemingly unzipping with hardly any blood. “Good. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I nodded. “Now what?” Beads of sweat were beginning to form on my brow. The blade was ice cold in my tightly clenched hand. This was wrong.

“Ease up a bit. If you hold the knife too tight, you’ll tear the flesh, which means there will be more blood, and more blood is never good, right?” His voice was cool. It put my heart in my throat, gagging me. I shut my eyes tight, forcing back the tears.

“Right.” I said.

“Excellent. Now, remove the top of the thigh, making sure to cut all the way to the bone.” He leaned forward a bit. I turned and stared at him. “It’s all right. You’re doing just fine.” He gently touched my hand, guiding the blade towards the pale leg.

A few swipes of the knife later, I peeled the top half of the leg from the bone below. The resulting tearing sounds made me whimper, and he smiled, but tried his best to hide it with his hand. I plopped the meat slab on the metal tray beside me. There was a lot of blood now. I was getting faint.

“Alright, we have to hurry now, there’s a lot of blood.” At his words, the knife slipped from my hand. “Let me help you.” He picked up the blood soaked blade and made several swift, elegant swipes through the flesh, ignoring the blood covering his hands. Like a dance, his hand moved, guiding the surgical blade through the thick muscle. Before I knew it, he had stripped the entire leg to the bone, a horrific sight to behold. Only the foot remained completely intact, ending abruptly just above the ankle in a gory mess.

I closed my eyes only for a second, and when I opened them he had already clamped off the main arteries, and all blood had stopped flowing. The red stained bones hovered just above the dark puddle of blood that remained.

“There you are. Everything’s fine. Never take from others what you can provide yourself, see?”

“That’s a lot of blood.”

“Sure, but that’s expected your first time.” He chuckled. “You’ve lost your virginity, Charlie! Congratulations.” He laughed a little harder now. It was a sick joke, and I hated him even more for it.

“What do we do now?” I asked. He finished laughing and cleared his throat.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but all this has made me hungry! Don’t worry, I’ll handle everything, you just wait here.” With that, he was gone.

The moment he disappeared through the door, I released what was left in my stomach into the trashcan directly to my right. Before I was even done heaving, tears began to stream from my eyes, and I finished with a long and loud moan that resonated throughout the entire room, rattling the metal tools nearby. Snot leaked from my nose, and I drooled uncontrollably. My entire body was shutting down, and it seemed to want to get rid of everything from the inside before it did.

I looked to the heavens through the white ceiling of this hell, wishing more than anything to be somewhere else. What had I done in life to deserve this, to deserve this session with Dr. Deranged? I cried the rest of my time alone, until I could hear his steps indicating his return. I have no idea how long he had been gone.

“Here we are. Sorry that took so long.” Steak. I could smell steak as he entered the room. Seasoned steak with what smelled like an array of sautéed vegetables. To think I could eat at a time like this, but I did feel very much in need of a little protein.

He placed the plate on the same metal tray as before, and I realized that I hadn’t noticed what he had done with the meat from the leg. He swung the tray over my lap, which I greatly appreciated, for it blocked the sight of the hideous gore below. I took up the provided knife and fork and cut my first bite. By the looks of it, the meat was rare, my favorite. I placed the bite in my dry mouth and let it soak the juices. I let out a satisfied moan. I barely even noticed the local anesthetic in my legs starting to wear off.

“What is this?” I asked, cutting my second piece.

“Thigh.” The right side of his lips rose slightly.

“Tastey.”

It's been a while since I last posted.  I would love to say that I've been busy, but that would be a lie.  The rundown, if you care:

• Watched Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls...ok.  First things first: when we arrived (using our fandango bucks, thank you MOM) we got our seats in a relatively nice spot.  The screen looked relatively small, and at first glance looked as though Steven Spielberg had the audacity to shoot the whole film in 1:85:1 aspect ratio.  Which for those of you who don't know what that means, just understand that it would have sucked.  I took a deep breathe and put my faith in Spielberg, and low and behold, the curtains widened when the movie began and I was soon to be basked in 2.35:1 ratio glory.  The film itself...well...Indiana Jones and the Constant Bombardment of Plot.  From the very beginning the viewers are forced to inhale excessive amounts of info dumping, exposition and a shit ton of other badly written attempts that break the golden rule of "show, don't tell."   It was like they were emphasizing: "it's been 19 years since we made one of these films, and since harrison ford is noticeably old and we won't ever be able to make a movie about what happened in those 19 years, you're going to have to put up with our shoddy attempt to summarize in friendly banter between 2 CIA agents and a high ranking Military Officer who knows Indy personally and fought with him in WWII...BOOYAH."  Blech.  Then, from there on out, the story moves at breakneck pace with plot element after plot element shoved in your face and a complete lack of Character Development because, "Hey, everyone knows Indiana Jones." and then boom, the movie ends with a terrible CGI alien and a corny line about "Knowledge is Treasure" AKA "Stay in school kids".....bastards.  Seeing Indiana Jones in this fashion made me feel as though they had made a 4 hour movie and shrunk it into 2 hours.  The only thing that brings light to the situation is that they'll release an incredible 4 disc DVD special edition with an extra two hours of film that establishes character and emotion rather than smack us in the face with constant action sequences and the obvious infatuation that Spielberg has for Shia Le Beouf.
• My birthday.  I was actually awake the second May 22nd rolled around, on the internet playing my favorite Zombie game.  It's called Zombie Panic, where you play as a human, fighting zombies until you either die or get infected, both of which result in you turning zombie, and then you proceed to eat the other surviving humans until A: You kill all humans or B: You kill all zombies.  Pretty simple.  Pretty awesome.  So anyways, at the strike of midnight, my game quits on me.  I try to get it going again, only to find out a little later that all my computers have lost internet.  I try everything possible to fix it, but to no avail.  by 1 i'm in bed.  I wake up the next morning rubbing my eyes.  The contact lenses i didn't take out the night before have crusted to my eyeballs and the only option i have is to remove them and refresh them with my lens solution since they were only 4 days used...upon taking them from my eyes, they both tear, an occurrence that has never happened to me.  I successfully get ready for class and head out the door on my bike.  Upon crossing the street by target, I avoid a large white truck and hit a bump, causing my sandal to fall off in the middle of the street.  I can't help but laugh.  I spin my bike around and collect my shoe before any serious harm comes to me.  Halfway through class i get a call from my financial aid advisor, telling me my loan didn't go through because the lender I had signed with had just pulled out of the whole student loan business...how convenient.  At this point I'm shaking my head in amazement, and laughing at my incredible luck.  Is this what it's like to be 20?  I spent the rest of the day talking to my parents and then chris poole.  Kelsey is upset because she wanted to go to dinner before we went to Indiana Jones......this didn't happen and we ended up eating subway on the way to the movie.  I was cool with that.  Kelsey still seems bitter.

I feel like I should end this post here, because I'm pretty sure only my mom and dad have the patience enough to read everything I just wrote.  And they've heard everything already.  Enjoy the story, and I'll post a more entertaining post a little later in the night, I'm sure.

episode 4.145: Wind Breaker

It's official...Florida weather is my number one enemy.  I just can't figure it out.  I ride to class, and, of course, the longest leg of my trip, the wind is ALWAYS against me, making it surprisingly hard to pedal my way to school.  Then, 4 hours later, when class is out, on my longest leg back home, the wind has SOMEHOW switched directions entirely and is blowing in the opposite direction of where i want to be going...what the heck?  It doesn't even make sense.  Damn you, wind!  

Another weather thing?  During the day its very comfortable in my apartment...i can chill for hours drinking orange sodas and eating large sour dough pretzels...but as soon as night hits, i'm sweating bullets! It is hotter in florida at night than it is at day.  someone please explain this.  If it there is something i'm doing wrong, tell me soon, because its driving me nuts.  Sparta, my pineapple plant is growing mushrooms...that can't be good?  I wonder what that means is happening to the rest of my apartment, like the insulation....uh oh.

i went over to some guys apartment with kelsey last night to watch the season finale of the office (which redeems itself, because the last 3 episodes were CRAP).  of course, their dvd collection is 3 times the size of mine.  kelsey is the first to notice...thanks, babe.  its not the size, its the quality, and  fortunately, i don't think it's as impressive as mine.  a lot of strange movies that could be seen as crappy...and the entire Kubrick collection...i think we all know what I think of Kubrick.  but they're really cool cats, and 7 months into full sail film.  their class has 77 kids..mine has 22...again, size vs quality..booyah.

other than that, i don't have much to say.  which is the same way i feel about class.  my teacher hates it.  she thought she saw me nodding my head once, so she called on me immediately.  I told her it wasn't a nod and she got really depressed: "oh man, i thought steve was going to talk"  which was kind of flattering.

The end. 

episode 4.199: It all happened so fast

Sitting in the Full Sail Real World Education Orientation Seminar, i was being bombarded with the ideal that my career should start right then and there.  the first thing that came to my mind at that exact point in time?  "I need a fuckin website."  now, i'm not quite sure as to why that was the primary action i felt needed to be taken when i was told to begin my career, but it was, and now 2 weeks later i have a website.  don't believe me?

(make sure to open in a new tab/window by right clicking)

stevepappin.com

whoa.  i don't know how it happened...ma gave me a hosting source, i downloaded their "award winning site builder" and after completely revamping what they gave me with excessive amounts of green rectangles, i came up with the above site.  at first, i was a little daunted and didn't believe my design capabilities would amount to anything worthwhile, but i have to say, not TOO shabby, eh? OH! and make sure you click on the theatre pictures in the Gallery page...awesome, eh?  what i had to start with was a lot of those green blocks you see on the right side of the page.  it was also white.  i had to photoshop some of the green to have a black background. not to mention the super sweet stevepappin.com logo that i created from scratch...the entire site was about a 3 day process.  

now i have no idea what to do.  obviously update it with all my new projects.  but still, i'm a little scared about making it worldwide.  i mean, it is worldwide now, but it would be hard to find by just surfing around.  right now you can't even find it by searching for my name in google..it has to be entered into the top address bar...or clicked on in a link.  

you all should tell me what you think.  is it a little much? is it totally bitchin?  would YOU use it professionally?  yikes.

the best part? now when people are joking around and being all: "hey, lets play the www.myname.com game!!" then they'll do mine and BAM...its me.  Game over.  I win.

anyways..tell me what you think. ciao.

EDIT: and one other thing about going worldwide.  those theatre pictures i used i simply saved to my desktop from the iowatheatrecompany.com website.  they were all copyrighted.  does that mean i need to buy all those prints before i can legally post them on my site? or do i just email rodney franz/rick donhauser and ask if it's alright? gah. 

episode 4.111: Just A Big Puddle

I had just eaten my usual chicken teriyaki sandwich from a subway that still sported the yellow awning, and we were pulling out from the parking lot behind a Chevy Blazer, when I noticed an interestingly placed yellow sticker on the back of his windshield...

pretty wacka-doo, eh?  Kelsey and I fumbled for a camera to take it's picture, but all we could come up with was a cellphone, and it was too small to see anything worthwhile or perhaps incriminating to the Blazer driver, so damn.  my main concern was not letting him see us snapping a picture of the back of his car, because I think Floridian drivers are nasty people.  I'm pretty sure most of them are involved in gangs, organized crime, or ar famous.  I came to this conclusion because the only damn vehicles down here that don't have tinted windows are the police cars.  It's sketchier than two way mirrors in the Austrian Womans Olympic Swim Team's locker room.  I mean, even the school buses have tinted windows!!  Do you know what that does to a skinny iowan boy on his bike?  A lot.  Especially to his sanity.  I know what kids do out those windows of buses, and the fact that I can't see them at all really pisses me off.  They're probably all laughing at me as i stare intently for some glimpse of what those little shit stains are up to, but can't manage to catch anything.  

I'm thinking about starting a petition to remove all tinted windows from buses.  I don't care if the sun is bright down here, its simply not right to be unable to see which little kid to flip off for throwing his pencil at you...which is bound to happen...

Where was I?  Oh yeah, i found this too:

which i thought was a little silly.  this is basically a permit to hunt anyone different from you...i see someone with this on their car, i'm probably gonna call the cops.  you've been warned.  and don't worry my midwestern family, they have terrorists around you too:

anyway.  after driving east for about an hour, we came to a dead end.  Unfortunately that dead end was not an ocean, like you would believe.  so we had to drive north AND south for a while before we finally arrived at Cocoa Beach.  Cocoa because the sand tastes like chocolate.  Or so the birds seem to think.  Now, i've come up with a few tips to swimming in the Cocoa Beach part of the ocean.

1. Don't do it

Follow that tip list and you'll be happy for the rest of your life.  Why, you may ask?

1. You can't see your feet/nasty seaweed/fish under the sand/sharp shells/anything else you would want to see when walking through water
   
2. Seagulls have gotten the hint that where there is Cocoa Beach, there are humans, and where there are humans, there is trash, where there is trash, there are opportunities to dive bomb said humans to obtain said trash thrown on said beach by twice said humans.
   
3. Rocket ships are constantly lifting off nearby, and you can't get a moments peace with all the jet fuel igniting and pushing against the Earth with a shit-ton of thrust. 
   

All true.  I did, however, learn that ocean water can be sort of tasty, but you definitely don't want to swallow it.  So, I came up with the Lick'n'Spit procedure.  That's where you lick the water from your lips, get a nice taste, then spit it in the water around you for you to swim through later.  It's great!  Lesson learned: Sebastian Beach is the best place for snorkeling.  (Future Reference)

I also found out today that June 1 through November 30 is Hurricane season...

yaaay.

Ok team, here's your task:  Make a list of the Top 10 badasses, and i will post it on the site for all to view.  Just send it to the comments of this blog.  It'll be grand.  Although I think my list is pretty solid, and it'll be hard to come up with one better.  Oh, and you'd better have good reasoning.  Trust me, I've earned the right to have Link at the #1 spot on my list.  Someone challenged my statement, and they got hit hard with a 6 page report the next day on WHY LINK IS 100% BADASS.  True story.  I was a legend among men to those who sat at my Junior year lunch table.

Happy Mom's Day, Mom.  Love you.

episode 4.105: Aryan, Anyone?

I've been on my Macbook for about 5 hours now, and my battery is in the red. I check the life, and i've got about 1:01 remaining....on my PC Laptop, a red battery meant you had about 30 seconds to save everything and find a power source ASAP....no wonder people with Macbooks are so laid back. I'm starting to get a little spoiled myself. New phone, new laptop...both of which have amazing battery lives. My old laptop may have well as been a desktop, and my cellphone a land line. This is the life.

Ready for awesome? Oh yeah:

mother. get these pictures...PLEASE. Don't delay, Donhauser today!

Plus, finished my second day of class today. We read the short story (5 pages) that inspired 2001: A Space Odyssey (2 hours and 45 Minutes). So, thinking I'd need to be ready for class, I watched 2001, only to realize in my shower BEFORE class that we would most likely watch it IN class, seeing as how they're 4 hours long, what the hell else are we going to do? Great.

I'm assuming most of you know how quick paced and easy to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey is. I distinctly remember leaving the room and coming back to find i was looking at the same angle as before. Thinking this was a form of poetic editing and i missed a bunch in between, i reversed the dvd playback to see what i missed. After pushing the reverse button, i thought I had accidently pushed the pause button. So i pushed the play button to resume the film and nothing happened. I fast forwarded to 32x the original speed to find that the frame lasted for another 6 seconds. 32 x 6 seconds= A FUCKING LONG SHOT OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If i wanted to watch a photography sideshow, i'd open up my Pictures Folder of Milo and let my Photoviewer do its thing.

So, of course. We watch it in class...fortunately she fast forwarded through a lot of it, but it still felt like an eternity. I actually thought we should use her fancy dvd player and play the whole thing at 128x and have a great time tripping, but i think she's tried it before and probably got in a lot of trouble for melting her students minds.

The cool thing about the movie is that it's the source of a lot of parodying. It started up and I was all: Oh, hey its that funny extremely over dramatic music that that they always use in space movies....OH MY GOD! This is the movie they're making fun of! Or wait, is it making fun of itself? Whats going on here? Should I be taking this seriously? I read later that most of the films audiences had no idea what this movie was about and found the opening "Dawn of Man" sequence hilarious. I didn't laugh at that part, actually. I just got real quiet and attempted not to be deeply disturbed. Then the sequence with the monkey staring at a bone to the funny overdramatic music started up and i could relax. 6 hours later, HAL 9000 appeared. 12 years after that, he was shut down. I'm now 31 years old, equipped with a great conversation starter:

31 Year-old Steve Pappin: "I was actually 19 yesterday."
My Prospective Friend: "Oh, yeah. Stanley Kubrick movie?"
31 Year-old Steve Pappin: "Damn that Kubrick, stealing my youth."
My Now Distant Acquaintance: "We're still not friends."
31 Year-old Steve Pappin: "I figured."

Well, so much for THAT idea.

Note to humanity: If they ever release a Stanley Kubrick Directors Cut of something, run like the very whips of your masters are behind you. (Whoever can name that reference gets a candy bar and online bragging rights)

So, that was my second day of class. I also noticed at break, my class has officially broken into 3 factions:

1. The Smoker Kids Who Seem To Be Kinda Douchebags
2. The International Kids Including a Jamaican, Japanese, and Arkansan
3. Me

I seriously have no clue how it happened. I paid so much attention on not letting that kind of thing happen. I took a quick phone call, came back and half my class was on one side of the Student Patio, the other on the Other Side of the Student Patio. With the only extra chair being at the International Kids sector, and they were using it as a foot rest...There's no way i'm gonna be that kid who asks if they can sit in the footrest chair. I have my dignity. So, I wandered the patio awkwardly, trying to look like i had an agenda, then promptly went back inside and wandered the halls by myself. I swear, the world auto-shuns me. Oh well. I have no doubts that i'll be able to work myself into a social group here soon enough. If not, it will be all the easier delegating bitch jobs to them as their superior.

Question: Who is the greatest Sci-Fi character ever created?

episode 4.5/22: Demands of a Sister-in-Law

"if you don't start giving me a detailed and descriptive list of what
you want for your birthday you might end up with another ice cream
scoop. not that i have a bunch of cash to spend lately but.....

let me have it....with cost being no object, i want it in priority
listing too, 1 being the most important.

GO!"

Previous Gift From Above Sister-in-Law

This is a particularly vicious email, but i get the message. I haven't put much thought into this whole process, but i'll lay out as much as i can think of at this point in time:

1. Adobe Creative Suite 3. See Post
   
2. A Powered Subwoofer. One Option Sony SA-W2500
   
1. Must have RCA Line In
2. Must Be Powered
3. Must Be Awesome
4. I have $15 dollars off anything Circuit City...over $100....
3. Fandango Bucks
1. Movies Around Here Cost About $10
2. Sometimes I Get Student Discounts
3. A lot of great summer movies are coming out
1. Indiana Jones
2. Speed Racer
3. Get Smart
4. Wall*E
5. HellBoy II
6. The Dark Knight
   
7. Kung Fu Panda
8. The Incredible Hulk
   
4. DVDs (contact for full, up-to-date DVD collection)
1. James Bond Collection (no individuals)
   
2. Charlie Chaplin Collection Vol I. and Vol II.
3. TV Seasons
1. Friends
2. Lost
3. Extras
   
4. Firefly
   
5. Dragonball Z
6. Heroes
5. Magazine Subscription
1. MovieMaker Magazine
2. Anything Else Worthwhile
   

Ok. Now it's gotten to a point where i'm just searching the web and putting up shit to show you the variety of crap you could get me and i would be happy with. It really shouldn't be that hard...right?

1. 
2. 
   
   XL Zelda Ocarina at SongBird Ocarinas
3. Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles/Medal Of Honor: Heroes
1. So I can use my Wii Gun
   

OK. Thats it for me. I dont' want to do this anymore. Be creative. Have Fun. Yay.

episode 4.100: And So It Begins

My first class today. Creative Writing. We'll get to that later.

We went into a K-Mart yesterday...holy shit. I thought i was going to be arrested for just going in there. I relate most anything down here to the ghetto. Like, "oh wow, that starbucks is ghetto" even though starbucks is as far a thing from being ghetto as i am. but i mean it when i say that this Big K-Mart was ghetto, even though IT was probably as ghetto as michael jackson's local K-mart...i don't deny my level of naiveness.

"Tell us examples! Tell us examples!"

Oh, I'll feed you baby birds. First things first: we walk in and i go straight to the map at the very front. "how convenient" i thought. No. Not a convenience. A necessity. The ceilings are a lofty 9 feet from the floor, which leaves absolutely no room for signs directing you to your department of choice. It also enhances the overwhelming maze feeling of a super wal-mart, except without any hopes of escape. I probably should have asked for a hard copy map to take with me. Or perhaps a radio. A couple of smoke flares would have been really nice. Among other things:

Kelsey finds her department: Do It Yourself for some fabrics so that she can sew something for my new harddrive. Lucky for me, it's right next to Electronics...my department. So we shuffled our way through the aisles to the back and i came across the videogame console demos. You know, the cool TVs with the Ps3 or xbox 360 hooked up to them?
yeah. they had a Gamecube. Playing the Star Fox Assault Demo. Star Fox Assault's release date? February 15, 2005. Awesome.

In fact, i think everything on their shelves has been there at LEAST 3 years. It will be a great place to go to study the trends of 2005. Maybe time actually stopped in that kmart. I could make millions. Imagine: A store forever trapped in the year 2005. If you ask the employees how long they've worked there they'd probably all give you a negative number. Live tours. Screw Full Sail. This K-Mart paradox is my calling. sorry, mom and dad.


Ok. So, my first day at Full Sail. First impressions? School. Yup. I said it. Its exactly like every other college class I've ever taken except for the fact that i have a 3000 dollar computer in front of me. Oh, and most of the class is revolved around talking about movies. The ones that came up the most? Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Don't get me wrong, I love those movies...but seriously? Is that it? Is that all you got? The closest we got to something remotely worth revolving a class lecture around was Memento. And even then, that faces me towards a bleak horizon. Other movies that came up were: I Am Legend, Assault on Precinct 13, The Matrix, with brief dips into TV series gold, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Alias. Gulp.

However, don't take this as i didn't enjoy my first day. I am surrounded by people who love the same stuff i do. And i am taking a class that again, revolves around talking about movies. Thats awesome. And today was only a lecture on Heroes. So overall: Pretty damn cool.

Another thing. I think i'm the only dude who even touched his Macbook Pro in the 4 days that we had them before class. Does that mean they all have more friends than me? and i'm probably boring my girlfriend to death? uh oh.

episode 4.049: "Tuterals" and Defense

ok, apparently this subject cannot be avoided:

How to Post a Personalized Comment on
the Pappin Chronicles Literary Splooge Website:

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 3:

Step 4:

notice URL is (OPTIONAL)

Step 5:

click, PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT

and tada! That should make it as easy as cream pie at noon. anyone who doesn't get it after that.......god be with you.

Now, next issue:
Tommie2x4 quote:
"...Arnold is an idiot. One well placed bullet between the eyes would have turned that mass of steroid abuse into a door stop." unquote.

I would like to point out the key words in this statement:
"One well placed bullet between the eyes would have turned that mass of steroid abuse into a door stop."

Would. Have. Past tense, Tommie2x4 is stating that had Arnold ever been hit by a bullet in the brain, he would have turned into said "door stop". Now, i ask you, when did you EVER see Arnold get hit with a bullet? It just doesn't happen. My guess is that mentioned "steroid abuse" resulted in arnold getting into some pretty crazy experimental drugs which in turn gave arnold a negative magnetic charge, pushing all bullets away. Almost like Tony Starks Arc reactor keeping the shrapnel out of his heart, except on a much grander, more awesome scale.

"Also anyone who idolizes Arnold is afraid of lightening so stop thinking great thoughts about Arnold."

Lets establish the large difference between Fear, and Respect. I do not fear lightning. I do respect lightning in its ability to completely annihilate my very existence from 100 miles away. Who doesn't? My lightning post was more of a rant. I was pissed that my school would put my life in danger without even telling me about it. sure, had they initially said: "you're more likely to die by lightning here than anywhere else in the entire U.S. of A." i would have been fine with the matter. It is just when i'm coming to a school that is extremely vulnerable to lightning in the middle of lightning alley...i need to know this. they close classes for the day just because it starts raining...thats my 90 thousand dollars you're taking from me, lightning! You know what? I don't even RESPECT lightning, lightning PISSES ME OFF! Taking my money! Frying my computer!

DAMN YOU LIGHTNING!

thanks for bring up such a sensitive subject, Mr. Woodboard

episode 4.047: Sending the Right Message

Everyone thought it was so genius that we send out a gold record with Elvis recordings and such on them, trying to show anything out there that we were a peaceful race. (bullshit really, but whatever)

You know what I think? I think we should have waited a couple of years, at least a decade, and slapped the Predator movie on that space hunk'o'junk.

Trust me. Nothing says: "Don't fuck with us" better than arnold schwarzenegger kicking the shit out of a superior alien in the jungle with a hole in his gut and nothing but a bow and arrow as a weapon. I mean seriously, if we got the message out that Earth is the home of bad mother fuckers like arnold, we would never have any problems. Because, honestly, some aliens are gonna be listening to that elvis shit, and they're just going to declare war (not that there will be much a declaration) on us just for the hell of it. For alien shits and giggles. Like a jock beating up nerds for kicks...its just...the way things are. And thats nothing against Elvis, he's awesome...i'm just expressing my opinion against him being our Intergalactic Mascot, know what I mean?

Moreover, not even an entire race has to find the disc. Just some badass space pirates in their little tiny ship equipped with a giganuclearbeanpelletgunray device could decide to zip on over and blast us to pieces:

...its a scary thought, no? shit yeah it is....

Although I do feel safer knowing arnold is around.

episode 4.047: Go, Team, Go!

You know what I love most about Florida? EVERYTHING is available in Widescreen. None of this Midwestern crap where you can only get movies in Full Screen in most all major retailers. Its pretty hard to even find a Lord of the Rings movie in Iowa thats not full screen. Its sad. Just so sad. Its nice to feel like i'm in a community that actually respects cinema as an art and not necessarily something to go to Family Video and blow your entire welfare check on. Sick.

Here's something funny I found while trying to look for a good Widescreen Vs. FullScreen argument:

So thats FullScreen. Now if you watch this:

Thats widescreen. Notice anyone different? C3Po was completely cut out of the full screen version. In doing so, the entire feel of the scene is changed and its gone from the original idea of being rather comedic in C3p0 running from the back of the room to watch this bizarre circumstance, to being an awkward spiteful scene between han and leia that is taken too seriously. blech.

Alrighty then. As you've probably all forgotten, my birfday is in a comfortable 20 days, and boy have I found a deal for you!

Adobe® Creative Suite® 3 Design Premium

This software is a unified design environment that combines full new versions of Adobe Photoshop® CS3 extended, Illustrator® CS3, InDesign® CS3, Flash® CS3, Dreamwaver® CS3 and Acrobat® 8 Professional software, with new Version Cue® CS3, Adobe Bridge® CS3 and Adobe Stock Photos. Delivering the next level of integration in creative software, Adobe Creative Suite 3 enables you to realize your ideas anywhere — in print, on the Web, or on mobile devices.

Ok, so, if you all band together, it should be relatively easy to reach the standard retail price of $1,799, and i will have an amazing suite of software tools at my command for the ultimate creations.

But seriously, I need Adobe Photoshop...and I get the feeling if I were to go into class with my current copy, I wouldn't last too long. I can't believe we weren't given anything that can work with layers. Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended costs $999 by itself, so if you think about it, the suite for $1,799 is a pretty damn good deal.

oh wait...there's something else here...hmm...

Student Price: $369.00 (tax included)

NOTE: The Adobe Creative Suite 3 Premium license CAN be used for commercial purposes by the students who purchase it.

You know that THAT means? Its not academic pricing, I can use this to make a profit. Its an actual student discount and I am literally saving over a thousand dollars...wow. i feel good right now.

And just so you know...this is my first literary splooge on my Mac...which DOESN'T HAVE photoshop..so no fun pictures...see what this is doing to me??

episode 4.039: Technical Wet Dream

pretty lame day today...









my total worth today:

Mac Book Pro: $2,499.00
Final Cut Studio 2: $1,299.00
Vectorworks Designer w/Renderworks: $2,395.00
Apple Protection Plan: $349.00
Mac Office: $149.95
Silly Textbooks: $100
Cell Phone: 199.95
My Clothes: $12
Cash: $9 + 1000 Yen

Total: $7,012.90 and a 1000 Yen...

i don't care who you are..when you're that valuable, everyone is your enemy. i gave quite a few people the stink eye as I walked by and was fully prepared to Ong-Bak someone's kneecaps if necessary...

i don't really know what to say. i'm still extremely overwhelmed by all the shit that i have sitting in my living room right now. i mean Final Cut Studio 2 has 7 programs included with gigs of royalty free music, special effects, titles, fonts, everything i could ever ask for minus a big screen TV. I have no idea what vectorworks even is, but its a $2400 dollar piece of software, so it must be pretty damn cool.

is it even legal to allow a college student to have this much crap? isn't it technically considered attempted suicide?

and i thought Lightning was a big issue.....for those of you keeping track, that puts the Nemesis List at:

1. Full Sail Required Electronics
   
2. Lightning/Government Microwaves
   
3. Terminator Mom
4. Baby Burster
   
5. Studio Executives
   
6. Master of Muppets' Conspiracy Theories
7. Jim Henson's hescitic jew connections

Will it ever stop growing?!?! i think i need a hug...

episode 4.032: *Censored*

I'd like to start by saying that thanks to a certain someone (real name still unknown) i have just finished reacquiring all my belongings from several large men in black suits, and am glad to say i've recovered a good 25% from the thorough cavity search by a surprisingly warm handed agent...

details are a little fuzzy..but apparently my connections with a certain conspiracy theorist led them to question my presence in this country. Pain and curtness followed and here i am after what i think may have been a form of one night stand...however they did mention they would be monitoring my existence, and are all quite surprised that my primitively crude blog is the only real public outsource for a red level threat to the american government...be ye warned, trapper/master of crocket like muppets...really wish i'd have dropped that damn microwave arguement...could have saved me a lot of trouble.

On another note:

i'm a full sailer now!

pretty f'n sweet, eh? you wouldn't believe the difference in other people's attitudes toward you when you are wearing one of these. I was right. its a gang. like what happens when all the audio visual nerds band together to help get another one of their kind unduct-taped from a tree.

i was unlocking my bike from a light post in the parking lot and some dude with a badge comes up to me and is like: "you live in the area" and i was all: "what?" even though i totally heard what he said the first time, i just couldn't believe he was asking me anything for he was the type that i would never have guessed to be chatting with because they intimidate me. and so he's like: "do you live in the area?" and i was all: "yeah i live on goldenrod it's like..." then i pointed in the wrong direction because i don't know shit about north and south and all that. and he was like: "oh, well i just li--o-r--ere--" he mumbled as he unlocked his bike from the same light post and walks away. as if i was the one to initiate the stupid conversation in the first place and that i didn't really have a right in knowing the information. i didn't really know what the think of the whole situation.

oh no. i wonder if because i had such an awkward time GETTING the badge, it will only create awkward situations between me and the people who see that i have one and attempt to strike up conversation with me...its an awkward badge. a badge of awkwardness. when i was getting it, my contacts were killing me , causing my eyes to water and feel as though i had something lodged in my eye...which i did..a thin piece of wet magnifying plastic i put there voluntarily, actually...can't say i don't deserve that...anyways, the dude before me got the whole, "smile dude! Ok, thats great, now look just a little to the right, great, and smiiile" so when i get up there, i expect the same treatment. i go stand in front of the red square and turn to face the camera only to be completely blinded by the overly bright halogen that instantly dried up my over-worn contacts even more than before. So now most of my senses are down, and i'm focusing on not looking like a retard, because i realized that i totally was looking like a retard before. I stood there for another 10 seconds, trying to understand what the dude was mumbling as he stared directly into his computer clicking away. finally he turns to me and says: "you're done pal." with the tone that he's already said that clearly in one of his other incoherent mumblings. OH! Well thanks a lot, DICK! turns out he had snapped the photo during the period of time BEFORE i realized i was looking like a retard...figures. no worries...its only the badge i have to wear on campus 24/7 for the next 2 years of my life. i'll use it to demonstrate how much i've evolved.

then, eyes watering i signed a whole bunch of other papers people threw in my face as i headed for the door. the good news is that i probably made everyone in that room feel great that i agreed to every club and free checking account they had to offer...all i really wanted was to flush away the crispy lens crusted to my eyeballs.

and thats that.