episode 4.032: *Censored*

I'd like to start by saying that thanks to a certain someone (real name still unknown) i have just finished reacquiring all my belongings from several large men in black suits, and am glad to say i've recovered a good 25% from the thorough cavity search by a surprisingly warm handed agent...

details are a little fuzzy..but apparently my connections with a certain conspiracy theorist led them to question my presence in this country. Pain and curtness followed and here i am after what i think may have been a form of one night stand...however they did mention they would be monitoring my existence, and are all quite surprised that my primitively crude blog is the only real public outsource for a red level threat to the american government...be ye warned, trapper/master of crocket like muppets...really wish i'd have dropped that damn microwave arguement...could have saved me a lot of trouble.

On another note:

i'm a full sailer now!

pretty f'n sweet, eh? you wouldn't believe the difference in other people's attitudes toward you when you are wearing one of these. I was right. its a gang. like what happens when all the audio visual nerds band together to help get another one of their kind unduct-taped from a tree.

i was unlocking my bike from a light post in the parking lot and some dude with a badge comes up to me and is like: "you live in the area" and i was all: "what?" even though i totally heard what he said the first time, i just couldn't believe he was asking me anything for he was the type that i would never have guessed to be chatting with because they intimidate me. and so he's like: "do you live in the area?" and i was all: "yeah i live on goldenrod it's like..." then i pointed in the wrong direction because i don't know shit about north and south and all that. and he was like: "oh, well i just li--o-r--ere--" he mumbled as he unlocked his bike from the same light post and walks away. as if i was the one to initiate the stupid conversation in the first place and that i didn't really have a right in knowing the information. i didn't really know what the think of the whole situation.

oh no. i wonder if because i had such an awkward time GETTING the badge, it will only create awkward situations between me and the people who see that i have one and attempt to strike up conversation with me...its an awkward badge. a badge of awkwardness. when i was getting it, my contacts were killing me , causing my eyes to water and feel as though i had something lodged in my eye...which i did..a thin piece of wet magnifying plastic i put there voluntarily, actually...can't say i don't deserve that...anyways, the dude before me got the whole, "smile dude! Ok, thats great, now look just a little to the right, great, and smiiile" so when i get up there, i expect the same treatment. i go stand in front of the red square and turn to face the camera only to be completely blinded by the overly bright halogen that instantly dried up my over-worn contacts even more than before. So now most of my senses are down, and i'm focusing on not looking like a retard, because i realized that i totally was looking like a retard before. I stood there for another 10 seconds, trying to understand what the dude was mumbling as he stared directly into his computer clicking away. finally he turns to me and says: "you're done pal." with the tone that he's already said that clearly in one of his other incoherent mumblings. OH! Well thanks a lot, DICK! turns out he had snapped the photo during the period of time BEFORE i realized i was looking like a retard...figures. no worries...its only the badge i have to wear on campus 24/7 for the next 2 years of my life. i'll use it to demonstrate how much i've evolved.

then, eyes watering i signed a whole bunch of other papers people threw in my face as i headed for the door. the good news is that i probably made everyone in that room feel great that i agreed to every club and free checking account they had to offer...all i really wanted was to flush away the crispy lens crusted to my eyeballs.

and thats that.

episode 4.024-B: Questions of a Muppet Master

Master of Muppets quote

I'm pretty sure that the government can kill you at the speed of a microwave. kenmore or general electric. I think there might be a law suit in their disinformation tactic, putting your life at risk and all. Do they offer courses in studio executive nut gargling? Not that they would keep you in a state of negative electrical charge, but it may help you find employment..


unquote.


first of all..clever pseudonym. i still haven't quite figured out what kind of maniacal genius i'm dealing with...he could be either this man:

ooor someone who closely resembles this picture:

but, then again..those two are shocking similar...perhaps we've been dealing with the same dude all along..but that comes later...


ROUND ONE:

Speed of Microwaves vs. Speed of Light
A.K.A.:
The Government vs. A Bolt of Lightning

who will win this battle for the title of "Greatest Threat to a Full Sail Student with a Wii"?????

FACT or FICTION?:

All electromagnetic and light waves, including microwaves, sunlight and radio all travel at the speed of light. 186,000 miles per second.

FICTION!

FACT:

Electromagnetic waves travel at the speed of light, but only in a vacuum. In any other media (like air) they actually travel a little slower.

That was a close one. Thanks to the Master of Muppets, i almost threw out my awesome new microwave i bought at Target yesterday at a great everyday low price...

moral of the story? Target would never sell me anything that would endanger my well-being without first putting a warning on the box. THREAT NEUTRALIZED. However, Master of Muppets said: "I think there might be a law suit in their disinformation tactic, putting your life at risk and all." Thats all i need to hear. I'm looking into it full time.


ROUND TWO:

Entertainment Industry Studio Exec's Balls vs My Mouth
A.K.A.:
Full Sail Education vs. Anything worth more than Jack Shit

Lets get it on! This was actually a hard decision. But after extensive research, I came across this Official Full Sail Document that laid everything to rest:

click for larger picture, noticing the paragraph in the upper right hand corner. here is the text in question enhanced for closer examination:

there you have it. Full Sail does teach their students to correct techniques for getting employment in the real world. Just as its name would imply...

Unfortunately, as you can see...this class is only offered in the EB program...(I've come to learn thats Full Sail Gang Slang for Entertainment Business) Which isn't the degree i'm enrolled in...had i known...i would have totally gone to the free EB seminar a couple weeks back. it was a little strange your name needed to be on a list to get in..being free and all...oooh well.

Victor? Most likely my mouth.

One other thing:

episode 4.024: Full Sail Student Nemesis

so, i go to "pre-orientation with Susan Van" today...and among all the topics brought up; GPS scores, valedictorian, alumni networking, post education job market...the one topic that caught my attention most, and i thought about it all the way home, was:

Florida is the Lightning Capital of the U.S.

I'm not quite sure how it came up, but my adviser found it necessary to tell me this particular little fact, along with a bunch shit about attitude. but seriously? who the fuck cares about attitude when lightning is the #1 threat to your life down here in what's called, LIGHTNING ALLEY!

"Central Florida, from Tampa to Titusville is "Lightning Alley" in the U.S.!"

and for those of you not too hot on your geography:

another thing:

In Florida, lighting bolts kill an average of 10 people per year.

Florida leads the U.S. in lightning deaths, injuries, and casualties

Lightning has been observed over 100 miles long:

That gives me a 100 mile radius of danger. The possibility of being attacked from 100 miles away will make any sane person paranoid. And you may say, "well what about the government, dumbass? They could do that, easy." And I'd say: "At the speed of light, mother fucker? Didn't think so." Government is pea shooters compared to this shit.

i did NOT notice anything in the Full Sail Real World Education prospective student book about how lightning is more likely to kill you than a hurricane here in Orlando, Florida...probably because no one would ever come to this fucking lightning rod of an educational facility had they known that. i mean, a school with 6 degree programs that all revolve entirely around electronics smack dab in the middle of Lightning Alley, which is in the middle of the Lightning Capitol of the U.S.?? Smart business move, dumbasses....i find it fishy that it wasn't until they had my first installment of 27,000 dollars before they let this piece of information slip. typical. i'll bet next i find out that the entire school is built on top of one of earths largest sources of electromagnetic activity, and there's a select few students who never graduate, they just end up pushing a fucking button every 108 minutes so the world doesn't end...and you know what ELSE, that fucking student will be me. figures. i am so pissed off.

on another note, i get my computer in 2 days! woo!

episode 4.013: Comment Terminator

mommagooch doesn't like signing in to comment. mommagooch doesn't like verifying to comment. mommagooch can never put in the right password. interesting, "mommagooch", that you are foiled by every action the website takes to protect me from internet Robots with very bad intentions. like comment spamming.

i'm going to need proof of your biological connection with me, "mommagooch" or i just won't be able to post your comments on my literary splooge site. i'm sorry it has come to this, but i have to make sure my real mom is ok and you haven't just replaced her in order to learn of my whereabouts so that you may come and annihilate me because of my role in the war against your kind....

yup. i'm on to you.

dad...you may want to invest in a large hydraulic press...

300 ton minimum...or if you're feeling there's a good probability she'll go voluntarily:

molten steel works EVERY time. keep it good and hot.

well..that takes care of one threat...now on to more pressing matters....

they mostly come at night..mostly.

that was an extremely awesome post. i just transformed two of my family members to cheezy horror films from the early eighties. success.

episode 4.5AM: Graphs Make It Smart

I couldn't resist. I've finished logging all my DVD's into my new "DVD Profiler" program, which has resulted in my ability to analyze my collection with highly scientific graphs.

After extensive analysis AND observation (those are two different scientific terms, but i don't expect you to comprehend) I have come to the conclusion that my DVD collection is not only the shit, but may very well be the best DVD collection known to man within the time frame of this point and time and .2 seconds later. Allow me to explain. Ahem:

EXHIBIT A: (click to enlarge)

the above graph clearly demonstrates how many and superior my DVD collection is. Notice the high ranking category ACTION. I have more action movies than any other movie. I have more action movies than most of those other smaller categories of movies combined. not only is that undeniably manly, but its just plain awesome. I would like also to point out the lowest category: Musicals. 1 musical. That musical? MOULIN ROUGE. and Ewan Mcgregor is more than enough man to neutralize the threat of a musical genre in my DVD collection. Enough said.

EXHIBIT B:

THIS graph shows my extremely manly resistance to dated crappy movies that are boring and simple minded. Like Bonnie and Clyde. I'm sorry..but that movie was kinda sorta lame. I've had pretend gunfights with Ashi Travers that were more exciting than most of the shoot outs in that movie...and they had blanks! Pathetic. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure Ashi and my conversations with each other were a little more engaging...even when we were 7 and 9.

EXHIBIT B-2:

this graph apparently says the same thing as the one before...but i can't fuckin understand it.

EXHIBIT C:

not much needs to be said about that one...

EXHIBIT D

this one is in pie graph form for what we analysts/observers refer to as "shock value" The large amount of blue-ish purple that hits your eye is certain to leave an impression as you realize how much of my DVD collection contains movies produced in the USA. This graph best explains how I can find so much entertainment in these ridiculously pointless graphs of my movie collection on a dying form of media..........

184 and counting! woo!

episode 4.008: Serias, like the scalp fungus?

So, this is cool:

Wormtooth Nation Trailer from Wormtooth Nation on Vimeo.

I'm the silly looking one. and guess what? I'm the BAD GUY as well...fathom that! No worries. I modeled a majority of my character of this bad boy of the ages:

i bet THAT'S exciting to know? now when you watch it you'll be looking for even the SLIGHTEST hint of Biff Tannen, but you will find absolutely nothing. Its more of a mental thing. I'm pretty sure there's a method to it too. Some guy invented it. He may have been Estonian. Here's what happened to Biff though:

not TOO inspiring. but HILarious none the less.

So, go here to keep up with everything:

http://www.theskyisfree.com/

The website ought to open up a little more with some background info and cast bios. Fun little doo-dads.

In the world of Florida: my main staple is Corndogs. Kelsey's is macaroni and cheese. and cereal. and lemonade. (she keeps coming up with other things) and smoothies. Mine is still corndogs. corndogs and large sour dough hard pretzels. corndogs made with chicken, turkey AND pork. all the left overs they've scrounged up and tossed into a large vat of animal bits, cooked then dipped in a sweetened corn-like glop which is then baked, individually packaged and shipped to floridian grocery stores in boxes of 18.

this is the life.

Kelsey and I also took a bike ride to full sail campus. very intimidating. if you don't have one of those snazzy laminated "FULL SAIL STUDENT" lanyards draped around your neck with a certain exceedingly large amount of pride...ya don't REALLY fit in. its like a gang. an orlando gang. except, instead of raping and murdering someone in order to get in you just need

• 90K in loans: CHECK
• an adoration for Michael Bay's Transformers: CHECK

but thats only for the Film program. imagine the requirements for the Recording Arts degree. my naive little brain can't even fathom the rap and hip hop album knowledge database needed in order to be allowed to read the many football and basketball jerseys that they wear....

whoa, i'm getting off track, where i was initially going with the whole bike ride thing was: it takes about 7 minutes to get to Full Sail from my apartment. Thats not too bad, eh? oh, and that the albertsons nearby is a little ghetto...'nuff said.

ciao.

episode 4.001: Habitat

okay..so kelsey and i are approaching one week in our new apartment...security is currently at level orange due to the recent and relatively constant attacks by screech owls and sidewalk newts:

the screech owl actually lives right outside our balcony, hidden in the huge mass of leaves that is the tree next to our apartment building. awesome. a good example of whats goin on down here:

everything is pretty great though. apartment is snazzy:

go HERE

for a lot more pictures and comments attempting to be witty by yours truly.

anyways. probably the most exciting thing thats happened so far? the invasion of

SPARTA!

thats right. i'm growing a pineapple. i don't even like pineapples. i like homemade pineapple popsicles. but the fruit itself? icky texture. his name is Sparta, for he is feisty as hell. very prickly and resilient. much like king leonidas. or gerard butler. either way:

sweet.

if you have any questions for kelsey or i, just comment. could be fun to get back into blogging. aye. love all.