Episode 34: A Man, A Pilot, A Legend

(Dedication, Concentration, Masturbation, the face shows it all)

Name: Porkins, Jek

You know that face. Who could ever forget it? The infamous Porkins, Red 6 of the Rebel Alliance Fleet. This is what I found on StarWars.com: (Words that are more recognizable by fucking idiots who don't know shit about Star Wars are apparently underlined in blue)

"Jek Porkins was a free trader from the Bestine system. On his homeworld of Bestine IV, he perfected his piloting and gunnery skills with his civilian T-16. When the Empire established a new high-security base in the area, the entire population of Bestine IV had to be relocated. While much of the populace attempted to remain neutral in the Galactic Civil War, Porkins heard the stirring words of Princess Leia Organa, and joined the Rebellion.
As a pilot in the Rebellion, Porkins ranked an impressive record of 16 confirmed kills in under 40 hours of actual combat flight time. His prowess remained unchallenged in the oft-neglected strafing run. For his expertise and his girth, he was nicknamed "Belly Runner."
Jek Porkins served at Tierfon Rebel Outpost alongside his friend Wes Janson. In fact, it was Janson, not Porkins, who was called up for service at the Yavin base to fight the Death Star. Janson could not go as he was ill with Hesken's Fever. Porkins took his place. After his death at Yavin, Porkins posthumously received the Kenobi Medallion."

This is, obviously, a bunch of bullshit. So, of course, I dug a bit deeper, and by hacking a couple mainframes and battling an entire army of deranged Ewoks dressed up as Porkins, I was finally able to put together the history of Jek Porkins:

Born on Bestine IV, at a hefty 16.8 pounds, Porkins soon mastered his flying and gunning skills at the age of 6, by stealing T-16 Skyhoppers from random people after he killed them for insinuating with their eyes that he was fat. At the age of 15, Porkins had taken over most of Bestine IV's largest cities, after being mistaken for the illustrious Jabba the Hut. With such a large base of minions at his command, Porkins soon became a vitality in the Intergalactic Civil War. The Rebellion sent their hottest babe, Princess Leia to swing him towards the light side. Upon seeing her, Porkins made her use her mouth to stir him up a bit. Soon after, he joined the Rebellion. The Empire, seeing this as a threat, then decided to plant a high-security base on Bestine IV in order to wash Porkins out. Not easily deterred, Porkins moved most of Bestine IV to a tropical planet nearby, and left with the Rebellion. As a pilot, he killed over 694 bogeys in a time period of 5 minutes. For his expertise and fat ass...he was nicknamed "Badass Fatfuck" The Rebellion sent Porkins to an outpost in the middle of a magnetic mine field and full of violent smugglers and acid spewing aliens. Porkins battled these evils with his bud Wes Janson. It was in fact Janson who was called to the battle at Yavin against the Death Star, but he pussied out when he got some STD from a cheap space whore, and Porkins took the post instead because he was bored and wanted to kick some ass. Unfortunately, the battle of Yavin ended up foul for Porkins, for when he was out kicking ass all by himself, none of his buddies would come in and help him, so the fat fuck was blown to smitherines muttering the words: "Stay on target, stay on target!" But alas, all his wingmen were giant spineless vaginas and backed off, leaving Porkins to his fiery death. However, Porkins was still awarded the "Biggest Badass Medal" after his death.


("Stay on targ--AH FUCK THAT SHIT BURNS!)

RIP Jek Porkins. You Da Man.

Episode 2939: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

In response to Corey's post:

HE WAS FUCKIN GOOD! (I am currently having a discussion with Corey on this situation, so me going off on this would be kinda redundant, so I'll just leave it at that.) When you see the movie, THEN you come back to me and we'll have a discussion. I, meanwhile, also have a few things to watch...let me name a few:






.....

Sooooo yeah. I've got a couple things that need watching. I can't believe I've been so disconnected from my roots. It must have been speech team. Maybe I'll just have an entire weekend dedicated to movies..and I'll tell people when I'm watching what, and they can show up accordingly. That would be glorious.


POP QUIZ: Who's a total babe?**


(**HINT its not Julia Roberts)

Episode 7: Man on a Mission

Ok. Life is short. Too damn short. So I have compiled a list of secondary objectives I must complete (before college) in order to pass into the "real world" utterly satisfied. This list is being compiled at 12:30 AM, so a couple things may be left out, leaving it to be edited frequently. Here are the objectives so far:

• Climb the Watertower

• Sky Dive
• A Night with Whipped Cream and Strawberries

• Make a Zombie Movie

• Create an Explosion at LEAST 10 Feet Around

• Dress up as Link from Legend of Zelda

• Test Drive a Hummer
• Costume Party
• Huge Camp out
• Build a Fort
• Save the World from Evil

More to come. Don't Forget: I'm the Man. Oh, and whoever reads this page, start posting comments...because I'm getting bored.

Episode 9999: "Dwelling Bad Stuff IV"

Gory Glory. Rented Resident Evil 4 this friday. And 10 minutes into the game I was suddenly experiencing this:

"Excuse me, do you mind? Thats my fucking CHEST!"

Yes, exactly that. Some mofo with a potato sack over their head came charging at me with a chainsaw. Upon seeing this, I panic, and begin shooting everywhere chaotically, missing the woodcutting menace every time. Well, there is no mercy in this game, and with one swing, the chain came in contact with my neck and brutally sawed my head straight from its shoulders. AMAZING. I burst out into satisfied laughter and continued the game from the last check point.

After that, I became exceedingly better at doing this:

"Mmm...jelly"

If you do not master the whole shotgun head shooting technique, you will barely survive the first chapter of this game. It revolves around a small village full of hypnotized zombie-like villagers. They wield primitive weapons such as pitch forks and the occasional stick of dynamite, and go about all means nesseccary to rip me limb from limb. I suppose this aspect is better than zombies for this game, for it makes it a lot more fun to play. It allows for lots of fun in repelling invasions, for they come in through the first floor windows, so you run up stairs, and chuck a couple grenades down there. But then they get clever and pull ladders up to the second story windows and come through there. So you have to push the ladders down as they try to get up...lots of fun:

"Toodles!"

What a bitchin game with even more bitchin action. Its good to take a break from life and just blow the fuck out of foriegn bloodlusty villagers. Oh, and a couple of these dudes:

"Nice shorts..."

I love Resident Evil....

Episode 8798: I Needed That

So, went to school...came home sick fifteen minutes later. Even though I could have gotten out by simply telling them the symptoms I had, I had to go overboard with it and make them think I was going to die. It was really nice to have them treat me the way they did...makes me want to fake diseases more often...is that bad? fuck it...i loved every minute. Nearly cracking up whenever i said something ridiculous, and having to hide my smile as the nurse called my dad...I could just picture him on the other end, not buying any of it. But, he apparently did buy it, because he was real nice to me and brought me raisin toast. Either that or he respects me for the fact that I was able to pull it off in front of a nurse, and even have a teacher escort me out to the car...i like to think the latter is true, because that would make my relationship with my dad so much more cool. Who knows though, he totally pulled that shit at my age.

So anyways. I was at home, so I popped in Love Actually for the first time. It must have been the state I was in, because I LOVED that damn movie. It was great. Left a couple plot holes that I would like answered, but the other stories were good enough for me. It was just a nice movie to watch on a snowy day wrapped up in my sister's robe (far superior to men's robes. I just can't stand the whole shortness thing) and watching intently this obvious christmas chick flick.



Great movie. Also watched A Night In The Life of Jimmy Reardon.



Shit movie.

Don't let the cover fool you. It isn't a fun late 80's film about a boy who has fun with hott girls crawling all over him. Its more about a horny little fuck from the 60's who wants to fuck his virgin girlfriend who's never seen a penis all the while being a little bitch and screwing other girls, his moms friend, crashing his dads car, and completely fucking up his lame-ass life. I mean, Matthew Perry is in it as River's best friend...and they build his character up only to drop his ass out within 30 minutes after the film's start. Jimmy (River) fucks his moms friend for no apparent reason other than he gets a raging bone whenever she crosses her legs. This consequently causes him to miss picking up his virgin girlfriend to go to the dance, so he runs to the dance where he claims he wants to rape her, then says something about loving her, she gets pissed and leaves, and because of this Jimmy gets pissed and gets his ass kicked by her new date. Which he totally deserved, because he's a real BIATCH. Then it ends up that the WHOLE movie is about his relationship with his dad, who is only seen on screen for no more than 15 minutes. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT.

So, one good movie and one bad movie. Bringing that aspect of my day to a real stand off. Fortunately, I got some sour patch kids and a lot of pampering, so I say the day was overall pretty good. I sure as hell needed it, too. In fact, I probably need a sick day once every 2 weeks..that would be perfect.

Episode 721: So Lackluster

My life needs more of these:

And a couple of these

some of these...

these for sure

the occassional one of these:

and a WHOLE lot more of THESE:


yep...explosions. My life needs more of them. In order for me to be truly happy, i must have an occasional huge explosion. Thankfully, movies and the american government have managed to satisfy my urge for a big boom over the years. It's too bad there are so many laws against making your own big explosion, therefore, my life lacks what it really needs.

Not to forget my lack of a rebel star-fleet...let alone an x-wing. Space ships rule. I want a space ship...

damn all those bastards with space ships. I think i'd get an x-wing before i got anything else...or an Arwing from Starfox. Arwings can barrel-roll..and thats totally bitchin...but an x-wing has s-foils...and s-foils are totally bitchin. Thank god i'm too young to invest in the space ship market..cause i'd be fucked.

well..anyways...i was just looking at space ships and cool explosions..thought i might compile my findings and oogle over them. I'm off to blow something up, or play Star Wars: Rogue Squadron...either way my life isn't as cool as it should be...

~fuckin a

Episode 952: Deprivation At It's Extreme

BEHOLD!



Breasts. As you may know, this is quite a recurring subject among my posts. There is, of course, a very good reason for that: They fucking rock. I love seeing, touching, and doing *cough* other stuff to them. So, as you can see, if my life were to be without breasts, i could very easily cease to exist! And so i thought this must be true of all other men in this world...

BOY WAS I WRONG.

A good friend of mine, who is 18 years of age, has never seen a pair of breasts in the flesh. Of course, upon hearing this, i went into shock. After collaboration among my other friends, we set a goal that within the next 6 months, we would show this poor man some boobies. We hope that upon seeing breasts, his life will change for the better, and he'll begin to see A LOT more breasts, just because he can. We're behind you all the way...boobies...here we come!

~fuckin a