I had just eaten my usual chicken teriyaki sandwich from a subway that still sported the yellow awning, and we were pulling out from the parking lot behind a Chevy Blazer, when I noticed an interestingly placed yellow sticker on the back of his windshield...
pretty wacka-doo, eh? Kelsey and I fumbled for a camera to take it's picture, but all we could come up with was a cellphone, and it was too small to see anything worthwhile or perhaps incriminating to the Blazer driver, so damn. my main concern was not letting him see us snapping a picture of the back of his car, because I think Floridian drivers are nasty people. I'm pretty sure most of them are involved in gangs, organized crime, or ar famous. I came to this conclusion because the only damn vehicles down here that don't have tinted windows are the police cars. It's sketchier than two way mirrors in the Austrian Womans Olympic Swim Team's locker room. I mean, even the school buses have tinted windows!! Do you know what that does to a skinny iowan boy on his bike? A lot. Especially to his sanity. I know what kids do out those windows of buses, and the fact that I can't see them at all really pisses me off. They're probably all laughing at me as i stare intently for some glimpse of what those little shit stains are up to, but can't manage to catch anything.
I'm thinking about starting a petition to remove all tinted windows from buses. I don't care if the sun is bright down here, its simply not right to be unable to see which little kid to flip off for throwing his pencil at you...which is bound to happen...
Where was I? Oh yeah, i found this too:
which i thought was a little silly. this is basically a permit to hunt anyone different from you...i see someone with this on their car, i'm probably gonna call the cops. you've been warned. and don't worry my midwestern family, they have terrorists around you too:
anyway. after driving east for about an hour, we came to a dead end. Unfortunately that dead end was not an ocean, like you would believe. so we had to drive north AND south for a while before we finally arrived at Cocoa Beach. Cocoa because the sand tastes like chocolate. Or so the birds seem to think. Now, i've come up with a few tips to swimming in the Cocoa Beach part of the ocean.
- Don't do it
Follow that tip list and you'll be happy for the rest of your life. Why, you may ask?
- You can't see your feet/nasty seaweed/fish under the sand/sharp shells/anything else you would want to see when walking through water
- Seagulls have gotten the hint that where there is Cocoa Beach, there are humans, and where there are humans, there is trash, where there is trash, there are opportunities to dive bomb said humans to obtain said trash thrown on said beach by twice said humans.
- Rocket ships are constantly lifting off nearby, and you can't get a moments peace with all the jet fuel igniting and pushing against the Earth with a shit-ton of thrust.
All true. I did, however, learn that ocean water can be sort of tasty, but you definitely don't want to swallow it. So, I came up with the Lick'n'Spit procedure. That's where you lick the water from your lips, get a nice taste, then spit it in the water around you for you to swim through later. It's great! Lesson learned: Sebastian Beach is the best place for snorkeling. (Future Reference)
I also found out today that June 1 through November 30 is Hurricane season...
yaaay.
Ok team, here's your task: Make a list of the Top 10 badasses, and i will post it on the site for all to view. Just send it to the comments of this blog. It'll be grand. Although I think my list is pretty solid, and it'll be hard to come up with one better. Oh, and you'd better have good reasoning. Trust me, I've earned the right to have Link at the #1 spot on my list. Someone challenged my statement, and they got hit hard with a 6 page report the next day on WHY LINK IS 100% BADASS. True story. I was a legend among men to those who sat at my Junior year lunch table.
Happy Mom's Day, Mom. Love you.
1 comment:
What a drag, your first experience at the beach and you ended up at a bad one! New Smyrna Beach..that's the place. Clean, clear water (unless there is a storm out at sea..then the water will be murky, but you should be able to do some neat bodysurfing)... and don't take 50 all the way east. Get on 95 when you see directions to it and head north. We made that mistake and then turned around. Hurricanes are quite thrilling. like an Iowan tornado, as long as you are safely in your basement..one precautionary thing....if a hurricane is coming, fill your bathtub with water, have candles/matches in stock and purchase bottled water that will get you through a week. We got our truck from florida and the tinting on the glass was considered illegal here and dad got a ticket. we had to remove it pronto.
Badasses: is a badass a good guy who is likeable but you wouldn't want to mess with him like Bruce Willis in DieHard, or can it also be just a bad guy, like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear?
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