Episode 34: A Man, A Pilot, A Legend

(Dedication, Concentration, Masturbation, the face shows it all)

Name: Porkins, Jek

You know that face. Who could ever forget it? The infamous Porkins, Red 6 of the Rebel Alliance Fleet. This is what I found on StarWars.com: (Words that are more recognizable by fucking idiots who don't know shit about Star Wars are apparently underlined in blue)

"Jek Porkins was a free trader from the Bestine system. On his homeworld of Bestine IV, he perfected his piloting and gunnery skills with his civilian T-16. When the Empire established a new high-security base in the area, the entire population of Bestine IV had to be relocated. While much of the populace attempted to remain neutral in the Galactic Civil War, Porkins heard the stirring words of Princess Leia Organa, and joined the Rebellion.
As a pilot in the Rebellion, Porkins ranked an impressive record of 16 confirmed kills in under 40 hours of actual combat flight time. His prowess remained unchallenged in the oft-neglected strafing run. For his expertise and his girth, he was nicknamed "Belly Runner."
Jek Porkins served at Tierfon Rebel Outpost alongside his friend Wes Janson. In fact, it was Janson, not Porkins, who was called up for service at the Yavin base to fight the Death Star. Janson could not go as he was ill with Hesken's Fever. Porkins took his place. After his death at Yavin, Porkins posthumously received the Kenobi Medallion."

This is, obviously, a bunch of bullshit. So, of course, I dug a bit deeper, and by hacking a couple mainframes and battling an entire army of deranged Ewoks dressed up as Porkins, I was finally able to put together the history of Jek Porkins:

Born on Bestine IV, at a hefty 16.8 pounds, Porkins soon mastered his flying and gunning skills at the age of 6, by stealing T-16 Skyhoppers from random people after he killed them for insinuating with their eyes that he was fat. At the age of 15, Porkins had taken over most of Bestine IV's largest cities, after being mistaken for the illustrious Jabba the Hut. With such a large base of minions at his command, Porkins soon became a vitality in the Intergalactic Civil War. The Rebellion sent their hottest babe, Princess Leia to swing him towards the light side. Upon seeing her, Porkins made her use her mouth to stir him up a bit. Soon after, he joined the Rebellion. The Empire, seeing this as a threat, then decided to plant a high-security base on Bestine IV in order to wash Porkins out. Not easily deterred, Porkins moved most of Bestine IV to a tropical planet nearby, and left with the Rebellion. As a pilot, he killed over 694 bogeys in a time period of 5 minutes. For his expertise and fat ass...he was nicknamed "Badass Fatfuck" The Rebellion sent Porkins to an outpost in the middle of a magnetic mine field and full of violent smugglers and acid spewing aliens. Porkins battled these evils with his bud Wes Janson. It was in fact Janson who was called to the battle at Yavin against the Death Star, but he pussied out when he got some STD from a cheap space whore, and Porkins took the post instead because he was bored and wanted to kick some ass. Unfortunately, the battle of Yavin ended up foul for Porkins, for when he was out kicking ass all by himself, none of his buddies would come in and help him, so the fat fuck was blown to smitherines muttering the words: "Stay on target, stay on target!" But alas, all his wingmen were giant spineless vaginas and backed off, leaving Porkins to his fiery death. However, Porkins was still awarded the "Biggest Badass Medal" after his death.


("Stay on targ--AH FUCK THAT SHIT BURNS!)

RIP Jek Porkins. You Da Man.