Episode 9: Tribute to Godliness

Behold, the greatest gift to man. Sour...THEN sweet. Those of you who know me, undoubtedly know my infatuation for Sour Patch Kids. They are exquisite. Some need to know things involved with Sour Patch Kids:

1. These, are NOT Sour Patch Kids. These disgustingly vile pieces of shit are called, Sour Jacks. An obvious attempt to copy Sour Patch Kids. I don't care which came first. If you have a choice between Sour Jacks, and nothing at all when you're craving Sour Patch Kids, choose nothing at all.
2. The best tasting Sour Patch Kids in Fairfield, are available in the large bag priced at 1.26 at Caseys on Highway 1 and 34. These are also the best priced. Other Sour Patch Kid varieties are a medium bag at Highway 34 bp, and Kwik Stop on Highway 34. They are priced at 75 cents, and are of the same quality as the big bag, only more expensive. The last bag, the worst quality, but the cheapest, can be found at the University bp, for 59 cents. These SPK are more stale, and definately a less tastier candy.
3. Once Upon a Time, I came across an entire 5 pound box of Sour Patch Kids. If anyone has the whereabouts where one can purchase this bulk box, please inform me poste haste.
4. Sour Patch Kids Flavor Ratings:
   Orange, The Tastiest
   Yellow, Close Second
   Red, Close Third
   Green, Close Fourth
5. Now, obviously, there are a variety of ways to consume a Sour Patch Kid. My method would be to eat ONE AT A TIME, chewing each one slowly, then swallowing. Others can tend to SUCK until all the sugar coating is gone, then chewing the rest. You decide. WARNING: Always Be Sure To Alternate Positions In Your Mouth When Consuming This Candy! If One Location Is Used For An Entire Bag (Or, In My Case, An Entire 5 Pound Box) Serious Tongue Pains Can Ensue!

there you have it, the need to knows on a need to have candy. Go out and get you rSour Patch Kids today!

~fuckin a